Healthy Kids Day 2012 May 2nd, 2012
As it does every year, Healthy Kids Day at the YMCA has rolled around again. I view it as an opportunity to feel sorry for myself with reason. In previous years, I’ve found myself the lone “big kid” in a crowd of four-to eight year olds, the one who everyone feels they must surround so as to make uncomfortable. I’ve been conned into face painting and been paid nothing. I’ve been told some extremely disconcerting things, including “I’m bleeding,” and “Well, it’s mostly sherbet.” Moms always ask me “Are you having fun?” like they’re confiding in me, and I always answer “No.” These moms seem to be oblivious of my “I’m miserable and want to die” face.
So this year, I wasn’t really anticipating an amazing time. My goal was to steal away to a bathroom stall or stairwell where I could draw in silence, but my grandmother squashed this idea and I ended up stationed in the lobby, in direct fire of a woman disguised as a pirate. She carried a sort of contrived charisma, the kind that is less charismatic than it is annoying, especially when added to an accent which could have been British if British sounded like a combination between Canadian and whatever Donald Duck speaks.
I tried to just focus on drawing, but Ms. Pirate was squawking at peak volume, and she occasionally turned and looked at me, smiling furiously, as if to say: “Come on, friend! We’re having an excellent time over here!”
In retrospect, I achieved a lot today. I was taken involuntarily to an anti-laziness event, put up with Ms. Pirate’s inane, smiling foolery, was fingerprinted by the police (it was an “activity” that I was dragged to because my grandmother thought a police record of me could be a nice keepsake) and all I got was a wristband for an abusive relationship help center.
Because marketing an abusive relationship help center to six-year-olds is really going to make a difference.
Congratulations to our Winner! May 1st, 2012
Congratulations, Senor Falcon! I’m sorry if you voted for Priscilla the Bloodthirsty Unicorn, but let’s face it– she definitely can’t pull off the sombrero with the same threatening flair.
Yes. Senor Falcon deserved it.
Superhero Golden Days IV April 25th, 2012
Who Would Win? April 17th, 2012
Hopefully this is more evenly matched than the last one! Make sure you vote sooner rather than later.
Superhero Golden Days III April 16th, 2012
My Computer Face April 15th, 2012
Pondering #550 April 14th, 2012
Sometimes I ponder things. Sometimes they are deep ponderings, and other times they are quite inane, like “where did my sudden fascination with the word ponder come from?”
Willpower? Or just Orange Juice? April 12th, 2012
Congratulations to our Winner… April 9th, 2012
Norman the Spiritually Empowered Platypus has won. For those of you who voted for the Quetzalcoatlus, I’m sorry.
But not sorry enough to do a recount for you three.
Thank you, and please vote on my next battle. Hopefully it will be better matched.